so when i suggested to Jason that for our 40th birthday we take his family out to dinner, he was a bit shocked.  did we want to spend all the money???  was i sure i knew what i was doing???  would anyone even come even when we were paying???  i didn’t have the answer to those questions but i did try to explain that it really bothers me that i was so close with my mom and now she’s gone and here is Jason’s whole family right here and we are not close to them.  there have been lots of things that have happened in the last 23 years and that is probably why we are not close, but life is simply too short to go through life not being close to your family.  in the last year we have gone to see Susan and her family 3 times and rekindled that relationship; i have rekindled a relationship with Don’s wife Laurie and i’m working on others.  i know that some will never be fixed, but i do know that i am going to try. 

so with that in mind, the week of the big dinner comes up on me and i panic.  what if it doesn’t work??? what if something goes wrong???  what if it backfires???  but i got my support system in place and went!!  i had the best time i’ve had in a very long time!!!  it seemed like everyone had a great time!!!  i know that i have made the attempt…will it make things better??? i don’t know, but i do know that i can rest assured that i am doing my best to makes sure things are better. 


one of the earliest memories is sitting with my mom watching Guiding Light.  i got alot of education at the feet of my mom watching soap operas from As The World Turns, Guiding Light, General Hospital, The Edge of Night.  from not understanding how a child could have a father who wasn’t his dad to people kissing people they weren’t married too.  other memories such as sitting at her feet as she sewed, crocheted, knitted or sitting next to her as she cut my dad’s hair or stirring the pot of instant cookies…there is so much of my mom that i remember every day.  from her love for scary movies to her infatuation with Michael Jackson when MTV came out, there is rarely an hour that passes that i don’t think of her. 

my son still to this day may need to go to a counselor to deal with the lingering grief he feels at her loss.  they were inseparable.  as much as i miss my mom, i know that what he feels is magnified 3 fold because he was so young when he lost her.  he would go to Red Hats, the church sewing group and multiple other outings with my mom.  he was so much a part of her Red Hats, they got him a red baseball hat to go to meetings.  i can’t even count how many trips he took with her to Oklahoma & Texas.  one trip, i’m thankful she documented in a scrap book and while he’s still unable to look at it, i know at some point it will be irreplaceable to him. 

i often am mad that she left us too soon but i know that it was better for her to have passed quietly in her sleep then for her to have suffered and lived.  and today as i live through this day…this day is a hard day for me.  i dread this day as it approaches and when it’s here i literally can not wait for it to be over.  i want to speed up and it to be midnight.  i don’t want to think about the horrible thing that happened on this day.  i hate this day.  but mostly i hate that i no longer get to share my life with my mom. 

so here’s to my mom…for the all the memories, for all the lessons, for making me who i am…i miss You every day.  i celebrate your life…and i thank you for giving me life.


the day has come and gone.  i handled it.  i enjoyed it.  yes…the big 4-0!!!

almost 20 of my favorite closest friends & family were in attendance at the birthday dinner at Hacienda.  Dad, Bubba, Tina, Cody, Taba, Tim, Stacy, Laurita, Shane, Tony, Shannon, Rach & Bob!!!  There were obviously people missing.  Mom & Sissy…God rest their souls…must have been celebrating with me in heaven with all my grandparents!  Racheal, my dear name sake, lives out of town and wasn’t here.  Amanda, my number 4 niece, had just returned to Texas from a 2 week trip here.  Many more family members who are scattered across the country and were unable to come. But for those who were there…a good time was had by all.

of course once we are seated, i havta open the presents cause that’s just way too long to be waiting when presents are involved!!! 🙂  What great cards i got…so funny!!!  The funniest one, was from my brother.  It talked about how when he thinks back to all the family times we have shared together over the years…and when you open it says how he’s not surprised we aren’t more screwed up then we are!!!  This card is so very true!!!  Stacy gave me the greatest gift.  A few weeks ago, Laurita and I went to buy Vera Bradley purses. And we found these really great keyrings/necklaces.  You can customize them and make then personal.  I really wanted to make one, but I bought a Vera instead.  Well, Stac, unknowing this, went and made me the keyring and bought me a Vera wallet!!! I was so excited!!! We order, we talk, we laugh, we take pictures.  As the meal progressed it dawned on some members at the table that no one had arranged for them to come sing to me. I have a feeling my #2 niece, Taba, conned my Dad into making the arrangements…knowing that i couldn’t yell and scream at my Dad and most likely i couldn’t get him back either.  so low and behold, Dad calls the girl over and announces to all that it’s my birthday and she claims that she will ‘take care of it!’.  Once the food had all be taken away, here came all the waitresses and since this is my favorite restaurant…they all look at me and recognize me and are even more joyful in singing.  My Dad was loving “getting me”!!!  The evening kinda slowed down after that…with various people leaving as life called us back to reality.  I couldn’t have imagined any thing better then sharing my birthday with those people who are closest to me!!!