In the midst of chaos…

The last week I have cleaned, painted, cleaned, spent too much money at Menards, watched new carpet being laid, saw new steps put on my deck, all at my “new” old house.  We’ve packed boxes here and I don’t know what I would do without my wonderful World’s Greatest 8th Grader.  He’s been a life saver.

As I looked around the living room tonight, I couldn’t believe the feeling of needing to get out of here.  This house has always felt “off” for me and I think it’s because it’s my Mom’s house and not mine.  I realize that while I love my mom and miss her every day, she would not want me to be so miserable.  I have done everything I could to help my Dad and yet it’s still not appreciated or enough.  So when the realization that I needed to do nothing but move home hit me in the face today…I felt a sense of urgency to leave…to get out…to move to “my” home.

So today…today I focus on what I need to do for my life and my family…and in the midst of this chaos, I felt peace.

Stressful Times

On June 10, 2012 it will be 18 months exactly since the day I moved my family into my dad’s house to help take care of him, the house and the expenses.  My family moved in  hoping my dad would get better.  I’m happy to say he’s better – physically.  I’m discouraged to say that while we have put time, effort and not to mention thousands of dollars into living here, he has (in not so many words, but more in actions) asked us to leave.  We have tried to explain how our presence here is needed (he can’t carry water softener salt down the stairs, or pay all the bills, or manage all the house), he seems to have taken a deaf ear.  I have tried calmly explaining everything – he says I’m wrong.  I have tried being stern and blunt with him trying to explain what it will be like if we move out – he simply looks at me and says “whatever”.  WGH & WG8G have long since been ready to move as tensions around the house have been high as my dad thinks we are here to wait on him hand and foot.  After dad, very rudely and calously, said it was his house and he would do what he wanted, the decision was made.  We are moving back to our home in Bristol.  I will no longer be the POA or the executor of his estate and I will no longer feel responsible for him.  I have had many people come forth and tell me they can’t believe I have even tried to make this living arrangement work.  I did so for my Mom…who I miss incredibly every day…not for anyone else.  But even my beloved Mom would tell me enough is enough.  My family (WGH & WG8G) are my priority, not my dad.  Today, a dear woman of God, Mickie Turner, had on her Facebook, “My Bible verse for today: “And let us not be weary in well doing; for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” Galatians 6:9″  I believe God gave her that verse for me.  God is saying to me, “Jen, don’t be weary for doing the good thing you did…but now move on and in the end you will reap because you didn’t give up.”  All I can say is…”yes Lord, thank You!”

Mom

one of the earliest memories is sitting with my mom watching Guiding Light.  i got alot of education at the feet of my mom watching soap operas from As The World Turns, Guiding Light, General Hospital, The Edge of Night.  from not understanding how a child could have a father who wasn’t his dad to people kissing people they weren’t married too.  other memories such as sitting at her feet as she sewed, crocheted, knitted or sitting next to her as she cut my dad’s hair or stirring the pot of instant cookies…there is so much of my mom that i remember every day.  from her love for scary movies to her infatuation with Michael Jackson when MTV came out, there is rarely an hour that passes that i don’t think of her. 

my son still to this day may need to go to a counselor to deal with the lingering grief he feels at her loss.  they were inseparable.  as much as i miss my mom, i know that what he feels is magnified 3 fold because he was so young when he lost her.  he would go to Red Hats, the church sewing group and multiple other outings with my mom.  he was so much a part of her Red Hats, they got him a red baseball hat to go to meetings.  i can’t even count how many trips he took with her to Oklahoma & Texas.  one trip, i’m thankful she documented in a scrap book and while he’s still unable to look at it, i know at some point it will be irreplaceable to him. 

i often am mad that she left us too soon but i know that it was better for her to have passed quietly in her sleep then for her to have suffered and lived.  and today as i live through this day…this day is a hard day for me.  i dread this day as it approaches and when it’s here i literally can not wait for it to be over.  i want to speed up and it to be midnight.  i don’t want to think about the horrible thing that happened on this day.  i hate this day.  but mostly i hate that i no longer get to share my life with my mom. 

so here’s to my mom…for the all the memories, for all the lessons, for making me who i am…i miss You every day.  i celebrate your life…and i thank you for giving me life.